I was scouring through my intense backlog of unpublished post for the year of 2011. I have a total of 41 unpublished post, many of which would never see the light of day. A lot of the reasons for it never making it to the ‘published’ page is that they were mostly unfinished trains of thought. Thoughts meant to be expanded upon, but either by failure to dwell deeper or sheer laze, I never finished any of it. So just to start the year fresh, I decided to compile some of them and put it into a single blog entry just to clear these things off my mind, and to start the year truly anew.
What I learned about Love
First, that if it doesn’t hurt… it probably isn’t love.
An Underachiever’s Lament
I hate mediocrity. But what I hate more than mediocrity is when I find it in myself.
I had a conversation with my mom that went something like this: I was telling her my very average results one semester, to which she said
“Good?!” I replied. “ No not good! I’m supremely average!” She then said the words that would soon be immortalized among my friends,
” …Its the average people that go on to produce greatness later in life.”
It’s a great irony, because all this coming from the mother who instilled the very sense of over-achieving determination in me. Her passing grade for my sister and I used to be 80%, imagine, that was a passing grade, anything that’s a “fail” would result in a stroke of the cane. So if we got 79%, that’s one stroke for us.
I Can Only Imagine
There’s this part in Rent that got to me.
It was when the blond guy was trying to film the homeless woman, and she said, “ You think you can profit outta me? fat chance buddy.” That’s the thing about the media and maybe the arts to a wider degree, turning profit out of pain. Misery sells, if it bleeds it leads, do I really want to be a part of this?
Messages to Remember
1) I no longer write for myself, and I can’t afford to.
2) You wanna know why loss is so painful? Its cause you can never prepare for this feeling.
Aren’t you just as sick of “love” as I am?
I’m sick of “love”.
I hate what the world has made it out to be and turned it into. “Love” today equates to sex. And good sex no less. I can’t turn to a single hollywood production without being bombarded with imagery of a climaxed Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johannson or whatever young hollywood starlet intent on exploring ‘raunchier’ roles.
I’m tired of people having ‘benefits’ thrown into friendships, because you all know it doesn’t work. And both go into it getting benefits, yet emptiness and none at all.
People don’t want commitment because its messy, and long, and people end up getting hurt, but the good comes with the hurt. The world works in polarities and there’s a reason that is.
The world is complicated enough without us trying to validate every wrong we’re doing. Just keep it simple and head for what’s true.
I’m gunning for real love, pure love, and this requires work, and hard work. It requires sacrifice, a word that no one likes hearing and dealing with. Love is supposed to be good. Its not glamorous, and full of steamy scenes toppling over pots and pans like in the movies. Sometimes its having to wipe the puke off your significant other, and going through long droughts of mundane conversations and very regular days. We don’t always “miss miss” each other that much, and some days we don’t think of each other at all.
14th November (No Title)
Chocolate, you better make me feel better about myself, I warn.
Meanwhile, Iman keeps on playing quote unquote inspirational music for me while I roll around on the floor gluzzoning* down raisins. I joked that my C.O.D would be death by raisins because the girls keep on making me laugh. The headlines would read “Asian Girl chokes to death by raisins.”
Iman’s first ‘make-Jowee-feel-better” music was R Kelly’s, the World’s Greatest. We danced a little ditty in the living room. ‘Then Life on the Nickle’ by Foster the People just for the line “Fuck Yeah I’m Awesome…”
I’ve been feeling less then wonderful of late. The first blow came with the 77% I received for one of my classes…
*No such word
The Kinds of People We Don’t Trust
There are a few kinds of people we don’t trust.
1) Anyone trying too hard to sell you something.
Which brings me directly to, 2) anyone trying too hard to sell something about themselves.
We can say, and tell a lot about society,
11th December (No Title)
I don’t think there are many songs that are able to make me shudder anymore. Shudder, like a heart shudder, a pang of lonesome and childhood dreams. Warm nostalgia or a sudden switch in the atmosphere…
It has a power, power to make me think about dad immediately, and childhood, and all things warm. That’s why today when I reheard Blackbird by the Beatles, I thought about dad. Anything ‘The Beatles’ related invokes memories of him. I think I write about him most, because he doesn’t really talk about his life, or himself … and I’m constantly trying to find out who he is, so I grasp anything I have…
Undated, (No Title)
I don’t know why, but God had decided to give me an amazing group of people that constantly tell me the truth when I need it most, they keep me grounded, “keep it real”, and they constantly bring me back to reality.
Thanks for fighting like a lioness
From a Zee Avi song
“The ripe age of seventeen, I moved into the big bad city, hoping it would accept me…
…Its okay, my love will pay the rent.
…with one shirt on my back, a father’s duffel bag
and its seen better days, just like the youth that was once on my face.
a shameless name, a foolish game
I’m half crazy and you’re too sane
Thirty one days from June,
my only mission was to find you
…its sad maybe tired and unspent
…but my love, my love will pay the rent.”
Today marks the end of an era, and the beginning of the rest of your pages. For all of you that have graduated today, and for all of you that are about to graduate in the following months, I send my best thoughts and wishes.
The entire basis of our early education had taught us how to memorize, spell, write, argue, defend, prove and hypothesize, and now real world calls, and everything we ever learnt prepares us for a new freestyle. The lines we first started drawing? Now we’ve got to learn how to draw outside of them.
4th October (No Title)
“People are not more or less, they’re just different.”- Inspired by a Temple Grandin.
16th October (No Title)
I have a greater respect for artists that live like regular people than those that live like divas.
30th December (Deleted part of Project 365 post)
I was born with a restless soul, a person who goes off tangents to try new things everyday. I’m almost never satisfied with the ordinary, in fact, I’ve been running on a fuel of “for experience’s sake” ever since I could remember. I want to rock climb, windsurf, jump off buildings and scour every nook and cranny of the world, but the only constant that I turn to rest my soul after all this is, is in a good conversation.