Anger & A Rant

“But Oh, be real please.”

There’s been a lot of criticism and negativity surrounding me these days. I’ve been trying desperately to break away from that and take a moment to just breathe. To be loved and accepted for who I am, and to go just one day where I won’t have to worry if what I’m saying or doing would come under fire, criticism or opposition from someone else that just pretends to listen or agree with me. Or worse someone that criticizes in a way that seems like a joke, and when you get mad, makes you feel like someone that’s not able to take a “joke”.

Now I can take my punches pretty well, but when it comes at one-two combos, and you’re tired, and worried, and you don’t have that body armor that was promised (a standard issue you see), or if we’re being medieval- a shield, you tend to feel like giving up and letting yourself fall.

I try, not to sensationalize in my life, or not to dramatize things, because there’s always someone that’s having “real(-er) problems”, but sometimes a broken spirit is the more dangerous of the two. Because you don’t realize how its crept up on you until you realize it, and by then, you’re already left, broken.

How do you love someone that has wronged you?

How do you love someone that doesn’t know she’s hurt you?

Or the people that you once thought were supposed to be there, giving all these grand notions of “love” and “I will always be there for you” starts growing oh so silent…

How do you block out the noise?

I don’t know world, I don’t know, and I’m still figuring it out. Until I do… I’ll let you know.

…And I’m angry! I’m hurt and angry and frustrated at a world that doesn’t care. A world that’s crumbling underneath its own feet and is sinking knee-deep with its own problems. I’m having this intense yearning to lash out, and vivid imaginations of scenes where I finally lash out with a dramatic bang at all those that have wronged me, as if this final huff of dignity and pride would have conquered my problems.

But really world, my first line of self-defense, really, is to retreat within myself and ignore everything.

…In need of better company.

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