I’m sorry I haven’t written anything since July. Every day I thought I would blog, but everyday the thought forms, lingers, happens, then slowly dissipates all the way through dinner again as soon as I reach home and have the time to write it all down. EVERY, SINGLE, DAY, since July, this has happened.
I just didn’t want to write anything boring or half-thought. If I were to write, I’d like to make sure it is good, but things are often… not good.
I’m going to tell you a story to illustrate this, and illustrate this side to my personality, just to give you a little insight to what I’m talking about, and consequently where my life currently is at.
When I was two, my family had discovered that I was a really good orator, and could, at a very young age recite entire rhymes with precision. My cousin was impressed with the speed in which I picked up a language, so he got me to keep on reciting that one rhyme that I knew. ” I hear thunder… I hear thunder…” (and I don’t remember how the rest went now) My cousin was eight, a mischievous little brat, but my mother tells me, he actually has a very sweet heart (but never truly was a sweetheart).
So he got me to recite the rhyme. Then faster, and again, and faster, and faster and faster.
And each time, I would oblige and did it faster, and faster and faster, until I reached a point where I messed up my words in a tongue-tie. I got so flustered that I cried in frustration.
So this was me, at two years old, expressing the very earliest signs of what happens when I fail to perform… frustration, then “cry”.
This is what’s happening in real life. When I fail, fail to perform, fail to best live up to my abilities. When I do not live up to my potential, when I am anything less than “Awesome” and/or “expected”, that’s when I start getting really… just really upset.
So that’s why I stall blog posts. That’s why I’m so frustrated at work now, because I’m not doing anything that are making use of my abilities and talents. In fact its quite the opposite, its showing me how much I lack and how much I do not know, and it feels like I’m failing everyday.
This is part of learning. I had read somewhere that, its okay to discover what you do not know, it only means you’re growing, and ever since reading that line I had been hoping on it.
But, its not all bad. Everyday, there are little victories, little celebrations, and some great big beauty in the mundane that I revel in to keep me a little bit more sane.
So anyone out there, if you’re going through this same thing, this same period of self-doubt and a reanalysis of your worth, you are not alone.
p.s. And about that personality bit … I’m realizing that I just need to keep on going, keep on posting, even if it means bad writing and failure.
I get by with great big help from my friends…