Never being able to just say “Thank You”

This week hasn’t been great, in fact so has last week. I think I’ve been slugging along in life, feeling demotivated. I haven’t been challenged. I think I’ve loss a little bit of my color, or stagnated, or loss a great big chunk of determination to get back to where I was before, which was, the person that was constantly striving, reaching, doing something…

Maybe I haven’t been counting my blessings enough, or had not been aware of the goodness around me. Maybe I haven’t been praying enough…

I had this conversation once with someone that relates to this “goodness” thing, we were asking each other,

“What’s the one thing about the other person that you wished you had…”

I told him I wish I had his musical abilities, which was honest, but then his answer next was an unexpected one, or rather, something I hadn’t thought that I had before. He said, he wished he had my ability to see the good in everyone and everything. The initial reaction I had, was an intense dislike at the statement. I didn’t take this as a compliment, because it sounded like I was naive, and I spent too much of my life never wanting to be that.

Then a bit of thinking later, I realize just how that statement was not true. In fact it was the total opposite of what I am. I am judgmental and critical, and overly-sensitive to the failures and weaknesses of others. I am the furthest from always “seeing the good” in people, but I think what had happened was I’ve overcompensated. I triple the desire “to see good”, so that it cancels out all the negatives that I do see.

I think that’s also why I’m also constantly writing about hope and believing, probably willing myself to be happy in a world and the current state it’s in, knowing for a fact that it’s so incredibly hard. Because the world isn’t great, this country and this society is not great, the people you expect to love you most fail sometimes, and you fail to be comforted, sometimes.

That statement also made me self-conscious. I was uncomfortable with being seen as something “good”, for the very fact that, I’m not. If people believed this about me, it would be a tremendous let down when they find out that I was the furthest from it, and people do need more hope in their lives.

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