I think I remember why I liked blogging so much. I say “remember” because I forgot for awhile, for a long time actually, until I went back to old blogs, and old blog posts and saw the things that occupied my mind for a time. I realized I was always trying to understand something. Things that didn’t make sense to me, like love, and myself, and why I acted a certain way or why I was afraid and embarrassed by certain things. I think I was also driven by the need for other people to understand “me”, because I couldn’t express it well enough in real life that time, so writing it down in words helped.
Then I grew up, became more confident, became more articulate, and became able to socialize like a relatively normal human being and there seemed no more need for the “writing” or ” blogging” part of my life.
But like I said, I realized and redeveloped my reason for blogging again today, or more accurately yesterday. Maybe because I watched ” The Perks of Being A Wallflower”, and like your typical indie movie, there were mixtapes, typewriters, music, a reminder of what it was like to grow up, and what struggles were like when you were trying to make sense of life.
I realized I really started blogging in the beginning because I was fourteen and I was like the protagonist, an adolescent, trying to fit in, trying to grow. I even used words like “despondent” to describe my emotions at one point, which was really embarrassing, because how much does a fourteen year old girl from a middle-income life know about real sadness, other than the imagined. But a little while later, I grew up and all that fodder and material for writing got used up I think. Then I stopped writing this way, and eventually stopped writing because I realized I stopped having the “need” to make sense of the world because it already started making more sense to me.
Then I realized now, just yesterday actually, that that can’t possibly be the case. The world could not have possibly been “made-sense-ed” of and understood, it can’t possibly be, there are a million other things that have not quite been solved, questions unanswered, and things unexpressed, so I need to think harder about the things that still don’t make sense. It’s really wonderful how a single day, or a single film has so much power to do that to you, to make you think harder.
So I tried to remember again why I used to write. Maybe triggered by my relating to the protagonist of the film, who had all the makings of the writer ( like I said, it was a very “indie” film).
There’s just something about blogging that makes you want to organize your life, and categorize everything. You start wanting to keep a record of things, and thoughts, opinions and anecdotes, and I think these things are important.
I’m also a better person when I blog, I think better. I work harder and longer. I do more research and I’m more critical. I think I will, no I must continue blogging, even after all that it is is falling further out of fashion.
Blogging also became the mouthpiece for what my heart is saying, and what my brain obsesses about. I remember it as giving me a stronger voice, and more well-thought out opinions.
I also took more pictures and made more art that time, and I always enjoyed that part of life.
So, I think I will …. and must continue this.
Thank you for listening