” Adulthood” had brought clarity to the things that are meaningful to my life. I used to have these “huge demons” growing up, and I realized that I am still battling them today. I know you must remember how we used to be during our teenage years, it was all about fitting in, “popularity”, whether or not you had enough brains or “talents” or battling body issues. But there’s this other part about growing up, it’s that you finally realized many things you never knew existed.
I found out today that this person I used to be in enmity with had grew up “poor” and struggling, but now she earns enough to support her family. While spending my whole life hating someone for petty reasons, I wish I knew this earlier, it would have helped me give people respect, it would also have taught me compassion. We could also have probably been friends. It finally made me admit to myself, ” You’re better than I am” and ” you win”.
My life needs a lot of humbling. There was always a war within me to constantly strive and push to “be better” at everything. You know how it is, if you’re anything like me, you do this thing where, once you reach that goal, or climbed that mountain that you’ve set for yourself, you immediately make a new one. There was never any time where I truly sat down to celebrate what I’ve achieved and to just be happy. I was never, ever good enough for myself, I had to be the best at everything, my gifts, talents, brains, looks, everything. And this had been the worst part of my life. Not only was it tiring, I never had any fun winning or achieving anything. I had developed this great pride because I have an inability to have anyone else better than I am. I just couldn’t accept it.
It was funny, because I used to call it perfectionism, and I thought it was good. But then perfectionism, I later learned, is the impostor of excellence.
Excellence has the ability to celebrate, while perfectionism nit picks at your imperfections.
Life is a competition, people say, but life is also a lesson, a journey, a lemon…
I am choosing not to live in this competition. I need to celebrate my life. Be it accomplishments or otherwise, instead of sweeping it under the rug and go, ” Oh yeah this was something I did that one time…”
I need to accept that I am blessed.
Here’s something we don’t often think about- as our blessings increase, our gratitude has got to increase with it.
So today I am grateful for my opportunities of education. I am grateful for getting that scholarship. I am grateful that I am able to pursue a life in academia. I am grateful for my supervisor, for being able to intern at BFM, I am grateful that I have an income and two jobs, and that I can support myself. I am grateful that I can play instruments, paint and write, many people don’t get that opportunity. I am grateful for my relationships and family, the two things that are the most precious in my life, and things I would never replace with anything in the world.
I am grateful I’m growing up.